I love Harry Potter. I make it a point to read all the books every year or so and have done so since they were first released. I’ve dipped my toes into the world of Pottermore and got some delicious backstory to some of my favorite characters and I’ve even purchased and read the other books like Fantastic Beasts and Beedle the Bard. So when Harry Potter and the Cursed Child came out, I bought it right away and dove in… and immediately wished I hadn’t.
This book has been out since July 31st and I wanted to read the whole thing before writing my review, but I couldn’t. The “book” is an inexcusable mess that’s a slap in the face to fans of the beloved series. Technically this wasn’t written by the legendary J.K. Rowling but instead penned by Jack Thorne and John Tiffany, two authors I will avoid like the plague. Harry Potter and the Broken Condom is a play. So the “book,” a term I still use loosely, was written as a play. A very bad play. I can already hear the complaints starting sooo…
Hear me out. I’ve never seen the stage production but from everything I’ve heard, it’s a spectacle. A beautifully presented stage production that relies heavily on it’s intricate set pieces. The “book” gives us no such visuals and does a piss poor job of giving us any visuals whatsoever. I would rather have read the actual script to the play because then there would be something to pull from. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Here’s an example from a play called Curse of the Starving Class by Sam Shepard “Upstage center is a very plain breakfast table with a red cloth covering it. Four mismatched metal chairs are set one at each side of the table. Suspended in midair to stage right and stage left are two ruffled, red0checked curtains…” and it goes on from there. But do you see? I already know more about the room that play takes place in than I do about ANYTHING from Harry Potter and the Red-headed Stepchild. Since it’s a new book I don’t want to quote it directly so I’ll just say that some of the scenes aren’t even set up with visuals. It’ll say something as lame as “Harry is in his messy office” blah blah blah.
“But Billiam,” you may say, “this is a book aimed at kids.” To which I would say. Well duh! So were all the other books (though the later ones got pretty dark) and those were actually written well! I do like the overall story and where it’s going. That part is fine. But Harry Potter and the Creepy Man-child suffers so much from the lack of actual writing that I don’t even enjoy seeing my old favorite characters again. The “book” is just dialogue without any feelings to go along with it. Sure, certain lines have some descriptions next to it about how the character reacts, but if I had been watching it on the stage instead of reading it in my bed, I’d have the benefit of seeing the emotions on that actors faces.
Harry Potter and the Child of the Corn is a sad attempt to recapture the magic of an amazing book series that should be left alone. Do I want to know more about the world? Of course I do. It’s a fantastic world with unique characters and endless possibilities but the story of Harry Potter has been told. Leave it alone. To anyone who questions my writing of a review without actually finishing the book, allow me to stay this: The first half alone was so bad that I had to force myself to keep going. Even if the second half is more golden than Pony Boy, it’s still a terrible book.
If you haven’t read Harry Potter and the Julia Child Mastering the Art of French Cooking yet, don’t. It’s complete crap. I started this blog almost a week ago and I’ve read more since and it’s still bad. I’d rather Freddy Krueger give me a back massage than read more of this crap.
Harry Potter and Child Abduction gets a 3 out of 11