I did it. I got my hopes up. I thought that the greatness of my childhood would be re-imagined properly on the big screen. The trailers kept looking better and better and I allowed myself to think it was going to be good. I even chose it as my pick of the week for my Future Flicks blog. Let me tell you now, dear friends, this movie was as bland as tofu flavored oatmeal. Here’s my review.
I liked the first Transformers movie. It had it’s problems but it was fun. When part two came out, Bay lost me completely. It was a mess. The first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie was bad. It was basically Megan Fox featuring some CG turtles. I still believe that they got the spirit of the Turtles themselves correct, it was everything else that was wrong. Out of the Shadows started out fun with impressive CG and beautiful visuals but it slowly went to hell from there… okay, hell may be a strong word. This movie wasn’t bad, it was just really really really not good. You could say it was astonishingly mediocre. Let me break it down for you.
Lets get the good stuff out of the way because, yes, there was some good stuff. I like the design of the Turtles. Sure, it’s different from the 90’s movie, but it’s not bad. Having them be CG instead of guys in rubber suits allows them to do more awesome things like jump out of planes, do impossible parkour stuff, and get knocked around like a ball in an angry pinball machine. They got the personalities right too. Leonardo is the leader and douche with a solid moral compass, Donatello is a genius who can also kick ass, Raphael is a hothead who has authority problems, and Michelangelo is the stoner/surfer stereotype. The CG was also good. This is surprising because Michael Bay had his cantankerous hands involved in the movie. Lots of Bay films have great CG that will suddenly become God awful, as if a high school kid with a virus ridden laptop and antiquated software was put in charge. Thankfully, TMNT: Out of the Shadows was saved from this kind of CG nightmare.
Something else that was great about the movie, and which is also something I never thought I’d say, is that Tyler Perry (Any Madea movie) was the best. His interpretation of Baxter Stockman was different from the cartoon we all know and love, but the character fit the movie. Tyler Perry can act. I’ve seen it. Stockman was the only non-turtle character that had any character development. All the others had to rely on exposition, which I’ll talk about later. Stephen Farrelly (Sheamus from the WWE) and Gary Anthony Williams (The Boondocks) did a good job as Bebop and Rocksteady. Not only did their CG counterparts look like the characters I remember, but the voice acting they provided fit the parts perfectly. In fact almost all of the actors did a good job. Almost all of them…
Okay, lets get onto the bad. Despite what I said in my Future Flicks blog, Megan Fox isn’t terrible, per say. She just has a very specific role she’s good and should stick to that. Jennifer’s Body is a great example of a role she’s suited for. Playing April O’Neil, on the other hand, isn’t one of those roles. I could be wrong though, it’s happened. The problem was there wasn’t enough of April to show us if Fox has grown as an actress or not. On the SWN Facebook page, one of our readers commented about Olivia Munn on my post entitled X-Men: ApOKAYlypse. This reader said that there wasn’t enough of Psylocke for Munn to show us one way or the other if she was right for the role. So this could be the same for Fox, but unfortunately we’ll never know. The same goes for Stephen Amell, the Green Arrow himself. Amell has done quite a bit, but nothing I’ve ever seen outside his Oliver Queen role. But even after watching TMNT, I still haven’t seen him outside the role. Casey Jones might as well have not been in the movie. The parts he was in were quite cool even though some of his fight scenes were quite stupid.
A better titles for this film is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Exposition and Coincidence. In an effort to keep this spoiler free I won’t give specific examples, instead, I’ll be vague. The exposition doesn’t really need an example. A new character shows up and we’re instantly told everything we need to know as if the writers couldn’t be bothered bringing out backstory in an interesting or unique way. The coincidences bordered on deus ex machina. -A defenseless character just happens to find their weapon of choice laying around- or -This thing is missing but now that we’re looking for it it’s found in mere moments-. It’s very sloppy writing. The writing for the 1990 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or 91’s Secret of the Ooze wasn’t fantastic… hell, it was cheesy and predictable, but it was fun and had spirit. Out of the Shadows didn’t even have that going for it.
I really wanted to like this movie. I really really wanted to like it. But I just couldn’t. 1997’s Batman & Robin was stupid but it was at least entertaining and pretty to look at. The Room was so horrible it’s become a cult classic. But Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows will fade away and out of the memories of most people who have watched it. Its not interesting. If it was terrible then it would at least stick around in our movie culture as another example of a bad reboot. I have a feeling that even children who see it, who may even like it, will quickly forget about it. The movie had some good in it but not nearly enough to save it from being a soulless husk of a film. A mere shadow of a fantastic brand from my childhood. This movie had no spirit and it had no heart.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows gets a 2 out of 11
See that picture down there? Those are the best Ninja Turtles.
